No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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