I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
