i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just found puke in my bra..
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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