i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
