She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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