so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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