my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
