I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i wish my penis had a tongue
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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