she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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