I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
