maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
