I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
