Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
