The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
