The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
