hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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