i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
