So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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