Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
