i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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