I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
