the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
