I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
