well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
