Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
