Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
