You made me cry and you don't even care
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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