I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
