dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
