He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Two words: blizzard sex
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
