Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my mouth tastes like poor choices
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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