you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
