Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
