y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
