Plan B is the new Plan A
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
