I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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