Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
