he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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