Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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