You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
