the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
