I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
