He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
