So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Never joke about your clitoris.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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