what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I faked an abortion last night.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
