Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(203): View more from Connecticut

'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.

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(941): View more from Florida

my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.

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(914): View more from New York

Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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(510): View more from California

I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself

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(310): View more from California

Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.

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(813): View more from Florida

Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch

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