one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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