You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
