I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this boner is exhausting
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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