WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She bit a glass in half.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
